Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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