Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
