Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
