I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
