Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
