I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
