i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
