I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
