a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
