WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
