I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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