i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
