I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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