Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
