Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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