I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Randomize