So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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