i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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