Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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