3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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