dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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