Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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