There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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