Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
