Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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