remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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