I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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