I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
