so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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