I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
