I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
