i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
