she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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