I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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