the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
