fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize