Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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