mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
