I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
