just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
