I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
