I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize