I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
