He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
