Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
