I feel great
I just peed on a car
this just has baby written all over it
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
