when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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