I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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