It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
