Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
