dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
