Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
