i was born a porn star she said
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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