I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize