I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
