i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
