The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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