why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
