Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
