i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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