If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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