Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
