Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
wow bdsm is so cute
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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