She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
