Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Randomize
