i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
