I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
